


shards

by katah



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: (it's jasper), Angst, Canon Temporary Character Death, Disassociation, Flashbacks, Gen, Post-Episode: s06e19 I Am My Monster, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Episode: s06e20 The Future, Recovery, have a good day!, post-episode: s01e16 Fragments
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:20:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23668267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katah/pseuds/katah
Summary: he killed her and he fixed it and it was okay. it turned out okay, like every time he or his family almost died, or the broken bones in him, filled with cracks, just like volleyball's eye, just like the pink scars on his back. he fixed it, but it still hurtor: i am still emotionally compromised from the episode fragmentssurprise second chapter! this one's nicer! less sad! go read it
Relationships: background bispearl
Comments: 4
Kudos: 82





	1. shards

he couldn't take it anymore, and he just- needed space- and then they were moving in slow motion, and he hadn't meant to, but he needed to leave, so he just- ran, somewhere they couldn't find him

she wanted a deal. he wanted a deal. maybe she was right. maybe this could help

he remembers catching a fish, the first time, and it didn't feel wrong, and he was learning now, but a part of him, a weak part, wanted to apologize. he was-

he was finally done holding back. it felt good. it felt powerful. it felt right. he sent the wall- spiked- dangerous- flying at her, and he saw the sudden panic in her eyes, and then  
he was  
he

he was picking up shards out of the mud, and

his hands were shaking so hard and he was afraid he might drop them, hurt her more, he had to

protect them- protect her- the rain, they shouldn't get-

it didn't matter if they got wet or not, it wasn't-  
she wasn't-

he went home

they were having a picnic. garnet, amethyst, pearl, bismuth, and dad, and him, and they were happy, really, and it felt okay, he felt okay.

pearl had rested a hand on bismuth's shoulder and pointed out the license plate on a car, delightedly explaining the classification system of vehicles and how people would write messages on them sometimes, and bismuth had a look on her face implying she was a lot more enraptured by the speaker than the subject,

and amethyst had nudged him and laughed and she had- something must have happened- and she yelled something to his dad, who was fumbling with a stack of plates and

he dropped one, and it broke, and amethyst winced and steven must have offered to help, and he was helping his dad pick up the glass,

and then he was sitting, on his knees, trying to pick up shards in the mud, even though there was grass, and they were white, and he kept fumbling with them and

there was blood on the ground and he couldn't hear, and they told him later he was sobbing, but he didn't realize- he didn't- he didn't know.

and then he was- he was in his room, and he must have got there somehow, and the gems must have stopped the picnic-

and he felt full of grief, for some reason, this empty, confused ache in his chest that didn't belong there.

because it was over. it was over now.

but it still hurt.


	2. when it pours

he remembers tears dripping down his face and into the tub as he held her shards under the water. he remembers that it was pouring rain.

he always used to like the rain. he remembers, once, connie coming over on a rainy day, and first she studied and hummed and he hummed and doodled, up in the loft, and then they got distracted by how much more fun it would be to go outside (connie finished her worksheet, first) and roped amethyst into playing tag out on the beach.

he remembers wet sand under his flip flops and running a little too fast and slipping, getting sand on his elbows and knees and clothes and letting the rain wash it back off, and going back, the three of them soaked, and connie giggling as she wrung out her hair on the porch, too jubilant to care that her parents would be worried about her catching cold.

he remembers the first time peridot saw rain, and he tried to explain it, and then decided to just show her- and she found out that it didn't hurt. it wasn't something to be afraid of.

the rain didn't hurt.

and then-

he woke up to the sound of raindrops pattering against the roof, and it was-

hm.

it wasn't great, to be honest.

it had been more than a week, almost two weeks, since- all of that. and this was the first time it had rained again. the gems were still keeping a close (but loving) eye on him, and he was still mostly just- drained. but talking.

but he just-

connie was coming over today. today was supposed to be good.

he lay in bed for another half hour.

he just- he couldn't do it. not today. he felt like the bones in his body were worn.

he texted her. she said okay. he felt guilty about it, but pushed it down. then he overthought that for a minute.

maybe a while.

then he tried not to think of-

of shards, and you know how that goes, don't think about polar bears and all that,

so then he tried not to think of anything at all.

he rolled over at some point, curled in on himself with his face pressed against the sheet, eyes shut. Maybe he could go back to sleep. Maybe he could sleep for the whole day? He needed rest, right? He was pretty sure that was a thing that was true.

this sheet was really interesting. he could just stay here.

...

he heard voices, out on the beach. he couldn't find it in himself to care.

...

more voices joined. they got louder.

...

they sounded... happy.

...

he recognized amethyst's laugh, and bismuth's hearty chuckle, and some of the quartzes he knew from little homeschool.

there was some kind of hitting a ball involved, maybe? he could hear something bouncing off a surface, and what sounded like someone keeping score. maybe volleyball?

then someone yelled "par!" and someone else replied with a "that's three!" and bismuth boomed "my turn!" and then someone else complained that gee, did she have to hit so hard? and bismuth sounded sheepish as she said that, well, she was aiming for the net, not the goalie, and several people laughed.

and, well- he felt curious. just a little. he just wanted to see what they were playing.

but he didn't want to get up. and he kind of didn't want to look outside, to be honest, or feel the rain soaking into his jacket. like this little, irrational fear in him, that such a small thing would send him back, and he didn't want to think today.

but just to see. just for a moment. then he could go back to bed.

so he sat up, arms a little shaky- man, he probably needed to eat, huh- and blearily rubbed at his eyes. some of the fog lifted from his brain.

and he stood up- his vision blurred a little, and he blinked- and he didn't feel quite like a person-

but he walked over to the window and peered out of it, squinting.

there was a net set up, on the volleyball court, and he could see cherry quartz and amethyst along with some gems he didn't recognize; cherry quartz was holding a tennis racket. he spotted blue lace agate, holding... a baseball bat?

cherry quartz nodded to amethyst, who shapeshifted into a ball and launched herself at her; cherry quartz sent her flying to blue lace with the tennis racket, and blue lace agate's eyes took on a determined glint.

there was an arc of water following the baseball bat as it sliced through the rain, and then a splash. in the blink of an eye, amethyst was sent flying over the beach, whooping. she shapeshifted back into herself and landed in the wet sand a ways away with a muffled 'oof'.

there was a moment of silence before amethyst stuck an arm in the air and gave a thumbs-up. the players burst into cheers. bismuth hollered "that's a knockout!"

the remaining players crowded around blue lace agate and lifted her up with whoops and cheers. they tossed her up in the air, caught her, tossed her again. she was grinning.

on the third toss, she happened to turn her head and make eye contact with steven; he yelped (accidentally) and almost tripped backwards in his attempt to duck. she waved and hollered something he couldn't quite make out over the rain.

he had a moment of silence.

a moment later, a purple ball with a gem and a face went flying up onto his porch, rolling until bumping gently against the window. amethyst shapeshifted back and sat back, leaning on her hands.

"Yo, Steven!" her voice was muffled by the glass. she grinned, soaking wet.

his voice sounded dry from not using it or drinking water all day. "Hey, Amethyst," he said, voice cracking. he did a small wave.

"You wanna play? We could always use a player seven!" she pumped her fist, whisper-chanting "do it. do it. Do It."

he glanced past her at the volleyball net, which a small quartz he didn't recognize was currently sitting on top of, pinning a hula hoop to, occasionally glancing to bismuth for confirmation. "-little to the left," he heard bismuth call.

"...not really," he said, not sure he could understand the game if he tried.

"that's fair," amethyst said, glancing behind her before returning her attention to steven. "you wanna come watch anyway?" she gestured grandly to the sky. "the weather's gre-eat!"

he laughed a little, rubbing his neck sheepishly. "um, i- maybe?" he found himself saying, unsure. blue lace agate cheerfully hollered something, and amethyst glanced down.

"wait up!" she yelled. she glanced back to steven with a grin. "i gotta get back in the game. come out if you want!" she flashed him a peace sign and jumped off the porch, shapeshifting into a seagull midair and flying back into the fray.

down on the beach, the small quartz gave a thumbs-up and hopped off the net, and blue lace agate handed off her baseball bat to cherry quartz with a grin. they resumed playing, with cherry quartz apparently trying to direct the ball (they had produced an actual volleyball from somewhere now) into the hula hoop while the small quartz stood goalie and amethyst cheered. no one was looking at him.

he hesitated, hand above the door handle.

amethyst cackled at something. "ready!" someone called.

he opened the door. the sound of the rain got louder, amethyst's laughter under its din. it crashed down around him, loud and present.

he paused. he reached out a hand.

raindrops fell onto his fingers. they splashed, cold and wet on his skin. he turned his hand around, catching them in the palm of it.

raindrops were falling, all around him. people were playing.

it didn't hurt.

he took a step forward, and another, standing on the wet planks of the porch, rain dripping down onto his head.

cherry quartz glanced up at him and waved. she gestured wondrously towards the pouring sky, evidently delighted by this earth custom.

"isn't it great?" she asked.

steven stared. there was water on his cheek, and he reached a hand to touch it. if it was warmer than rain- nobody could tell.

"yeah," he said. "it is."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i watched the episode when it rains too many times and also rewatched fragments and now this has a second chapter which is like three times the size of the first one  
> also hi have a good day!  
> haha editing? whats that

**Author's Note:**

> i am still emotionally compromised from the episode fragments. yes i made an ao3 account just to post this  
> surprise second chapter coming soon because i rewatched fragments and also that one peridot rain episode too many times  
> i edited the end to add line breaks sksk. whats formatting never met 'er


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